Lately I haven't had words to say.
My heart just beats very silently.
I live each day in a silent joy,
just a quiet heart in a quiet me.

Though that doesn't mean I don't care,
or feel.
There is so much love inside this chest;
and I'd happily share it all with you..
If a person ever thought to ask.

I Seem Alone.

To have my love,
oh what is that,
if you can never love me back?
But love alone I always do,
so silently I feel for you.

Will anguish settle in my heart?
The deepest corners?
The secret parts?
And always hiding,
I'll feel silence,
the quiet shared by waiting hearts.

It's all a secret.

It seems I always feel this way,
such yearning lingers in the air,
and yet, as I sit loudly laughing,
one won't see the quiet here.

It's sitting in that corner, silent, slightly hidden from your view.
Because I've learned to laugh is better than really trying to share with you,
for sharing's not the thing to do.

So I smile in this moment,
and bright it truly is for me,
except for all that hidden quiet that calls for me to set it free.
It's all I dream for,
secretly.

Oh won't you please be quiet with me?

Short of Breath

Once, when I was truly myself,
a smile lived upon my mouth.
Lingering for such brief moments in my eyes,
and on my lips. I felt a truth
living close to my heart. A near neighbor to the now.
Like a soft breeze dancing through my soul,
refreshing only for a breath,
the full and glorious hope of I was beautiful.
Oh mourn the death.

The folly of this clear facade is seen and scoffed by only me.
The secret, quiet, hopes I dream are covered by fear of
disappointing.
So hindered and held back by visions abounding with terror that all alone I'll be
unloved,
uncherished,
and unseen.

So I breathe this one sweet breath,
so beautiful,
then embrace death.

I know

I keep searching for some small hope to hold onto.
Any sign that you might think of me,
that you might want me too.
I keep looking after you and
grasping,
grasping as wisps of nothing that I've imagined you feel for me.
Pretending that you spoke to me.
Pretending that you care for me.
Pretending you might actually
accept my heart that's crying
out to yours.
But you are silent. Oh, you are quiet,
and this nothing says
everything
I don't want to know.

That I'm foolishly hoping and so never moving.
I'm always loving alone.

To the tips of my very soul.

I feel that every day I find a little bit more of myself. Of who I am, of who I’m not,
of who I don’t want,
and yet tend,
to be.
I make mistakes, and cry, and rage, and then let You pick me up again. And again. And again.

And again.

And I’m okay with that. Because I think that, ever so slowly, I am learning to give it all to You.

I run to You faster and faster.

I may not be learning quickly, but I’m so glad that I’m learning.

Learning through You and through others too. Through the friends and the strangers that You so bless me with. One word and I’m changed, rearranged, never the same. Forever forgetting what I once thought was true. All because of who You are and what You do.

And I’m so thankful that You give me every day to breathe, and move, and dance, and laugh, and make mistakes, and try to fix them, and open my eyes to the fact that I can’t, and move on, and get a second chance.

So undeserved,

but given nonetheless.

This life would be nothing, is nothing, with out God’s grace and with out His love. There’s no reason for breathing with out Him.

I’m trying to let Him fill me up to the tips of my soul and overflowing.

For me.

Have you ever just shared your feelings with someone?

Straight up told them “this is it!”.

I never did, well, not till now. Not till you.

Not till this courage seeped through my veins and called out for me to yell…

though waiting for you was pure torture.

I hung onto every word you said so tightly, because that was all I had left of some distant, tattered, memory that I created for us.

For me.

And this was all for me, but then for you, and everything I pretended that we could be, once upon a time, when you said you cared for me... did you ever really care for me?

But don’t answer that, please.

I only wanted to take your worry: steal it away and let you sleep. Peacefully dream, so when you'd “g2g to bed” and rest, I'd know that you’re life would be okay.

I wouldn’t add to it my heavy heart, wouldn’t hand you a trouble that you don’t need.

Just another one to think about...

Now add to your pile of my apologies.