A Collection of Thought Pertaining to You.

It seems like

I’m holding my feelings inside,

all closed up and

secret like.

I’m desperately avoiding your beautiful eyes

for fear that I might

burst.

If only

I could be bold,

I would stop hiding

from your eyes,

and lay my words of love

on your lips

with my lips.

Because I’m pretty sure

that I’ve never felt anything

as singularly beautiful

as the touch of your fingers

on my bare skin.

You seem to me an explorer,

seeking to uncover the

undiscovered

parts of my heart,

knowing you’ll find treasure.

And after you’ve walked away

you’re scent lingers

and teases my senses.

I find myself searching for you

around corners;

knowing you’re not there

but hoping you are

anyways.

Do you think

that you could just hold me

forever?

I will match my breathing to yours

and pretend to disappear

completely

in your arms.

Now.

There’s this worry inside of me. It grabs a hold of all that beauty I could be enjoying and turns it into something twisted and ugly. I can’t taste all that’s lovely because I’m too busy worrying about how long it will last. I’m too busy grasping at thoughts of yesterday that should mean nothing. They shouldn't be.

I hold on dearly to that which should not be held onto. I can’t forget those past mistakes and learn to see the future here in front of me.

But I have to forget this.

So I will untie those chains around my heart, holding me back from everything You have in store. I will stop running away, and instead run towards that frightening future that I can’t quite see. But You can see and You will guide me. I’ll hold Your hand and joyfully look into me, where You reside. I’ll look through Your eyes and love with Your heart and speak with Your words.

I’ll grasp all that beauty. I’ll taste all that’s lovely.

I’ll trust God to provide all I need.

Just a brief remembering..

of that day so filled with hope it overflowed,

and showed

in the shaking of my voice and hands.

I shared my nervous heart with best friends,

begging to be comforted by cliche’s.

You held my heart for a while, and told me to wish for you.

I did,

then scarcely breathed a word

in the chance it might come true.

It didn’t.

Cutting Ties

I feel like I’m forgetting the romance; the singular beauty of some things.

Like the way light falls or the feeling of a warm breeze.

I sit,

staring in to my self,

blind to the loveliness still living around me.

I need to break those ropes made of sullen thoughts

that I've found wrapped around my beating heart,

and let it laugh and play, so free.

A Lament Psalm: Of Kara

Oh Father, give me your strength.

Lord, answer me,

for I come up against troubles that I can’t perceive,

and enemies I don’t understand.

You know me, Oh Lover of My Soul.

For you are El Roi: The God Who Sees.

You know my heart,

and the yearning I feel every moment of every day.

I yearn for that which I can’t explain.

I desire fulfillment

though I don’t know how, or why.

I find within myself questions I can’t describe,

questions surrounded by worries and fears.

I am constantly searching for answers.

But how do I fight against the unnamed?

And how can I find what I do not know?

Dear Lord, it is so beautiful to know you;

to know that you see the deep recesses of my soul.

I run to you, for I find true life

in your unending love.

You’re my only hope.

My God is the true source of peace and joy.

All confusion and fear flees at the sound of his name.

I find my heart full in His presence.

I rest in Him,

and my questions are quieted.

You know me, Oh Lover of my Soul.

For you are El Roi: The God Who Sees.

Togetherness.

I want eyes and hands and legs and lips all tangled up and close to me. I want open hearts and open arms and nakedness. I want the unreachable togetherness that’s never been mine.

I want an us to hold onto tightly.

And I want love, but I’m not ready. And I know it.

I see myself for all I am: one scared and stuttering, searching girl. I’m begging for someone to see me too, yet I hide myself instead of reaching out. I’m both here and there. Prepared and unprepared. Oh, I am fake and full of lies. I look but don’t open my eyes to see.

Yet You hold me while no one holds me.

Dear Tomorrow,

Recently I've forgotten about you.

Or maybe I've forgotten about the part of me that you always held on to. You never let go, and you hurt my soul with hopes. You tore my heart to pieces.

Now I feel free to look up and hope again, with a different kind of hope. The kind that soothes; that smiles at me in dreams.

You walk into my thoughts in your gentle way and I am reminded of the future I'll live with you. Remembering all those times that we'll hold each other close.

But you won't make me whole. I have realized you can't. Not really. Because that's a some thing you can't be. And I will only be hurting us if I constantly believe you'll fulfill me.

That's what's made me free: that realizing.

Now I know only God can make me whole.

And so I can hope that hope again. For I'll be living with you in all of Love's beauty.

Living, and showing others what true love can be.