Just a brief remembering..

of that day so filled with hope it overflowed,

and showed

in the shaking of my voice and hands.

I shared my nervous heart with best friends,

begging to be comforted by cliche’s.

You held my heart for a while, and told me to wish for you.

I did,

then scarcely breathed a word

in the chance it might come true.

It didn’t.

Cutting Ties

I feel like I’m forgetting the romance; the singular beauty of some things.

Like the way light falls or the feeling of a warm breeze.

I sit,

staring in to my self,

blind to the loveliness still living around me.

I need to break those ropes made of sullen thoughts

that I've found wrapped around my beating heart,

and let it laugh and play, so free.

A Lament Psalm: Of Kara

Oh Father, give me your strength.

Lord, answer me,

for I come up against troubles that I can’t perceive,

and enemies I don’t understand.

You know me, Oh Lover of My Soul.

For you are El Roi: The God Who Sees.

You know my heart,

and the yearning I feel every moment of every day.

I yearn for that which I can’t explain.

I desire fulfillment

though I don’t know how, or why.

I find within myself questions I can’t describe,

questions surrounded by worries and fears.

I am constantly searching for answers.

But how do I fight against the unnamed?

And how can I find what I do not know?

Dear Lord, it is so beautiful to know you;

to know that you see the deep recesses of my soul.

I run to you, for I find true life

in your unending love.

You’re my only hope.

My God is the true source of peace and joy.

All confusion and fear flees at the sound of his name.

I find my heart full in His presence.

I rest in Him,

and my questions are quieted.

You know me, Oh Lover of my Soul.

For you are El Roi: The God Who Sees.

Togetherness.

I want eyes and hands and legs and lips all tangled up and close to me. I want open hearts and open arms and nakedness. I want the unreachable togetherness that’s never been mine.

I want an us to hold onto tightly.

And I want love, but I’m not ready. And I know it.

I see myself for all I am: one scared and stuttering, searching girl. I’m begging for someone to see me too, yet I hide myself instead of reaching out. I’m both here and there. Prepared and unprepared. Oh, I am fake and full of lies. I look but don’t open my eyes to see.

Yet You hold me while no one holds me.

Dear Tomorrow,

Recently I've forgotten about you.

Or maybe I've forgotten about the part of me that you always held on to. You never let go, and you hurt my soul with hopes. You tore my heart to pieces.

Now I feel free to look up and hope again, with a different kind of hope. The kind that soothes; that smiles at me in dreams.

You walk into my thoughts in your gentle way and I am reminded of the future I'll live with you. Remembering all those times that we'll hold each other close.

But you won't make me whole. I have realized you can't. Not really. Because that's a some thing you can't be. And I will only be hurting us if I constantly believe you'll fulfill me.

That's what's made me free: that realizing.

Now I know only God can make me whole.

And so I can hope that hope again. For I'll be living with you in all of Love's beauty.

Living, and showing others what true love can be.

Unshakable

I like to sort through my thoughts late at night. I watch them tumble out, one by one. A dream here, a worry there, a memory, a secret fear.

I sort through each and every one, inspecting all the dusty corners, glowing with pride or running in horror. So intricate, I pick them up and roll them over in my hands, taking notice of every fascinating detail, then setting them down again.

I ponder the whole:

A mosaic of feeling. Seeming out of control; unbelievable and unpredictable.

Yet one great thought remains predominant. One single knowing so firm and strong it stands at the center of every thought; and that is God. Because of His unwavering grace I know Christ’s love. He’s unshakable.

The Lonely Fear (It Disappears)

Thunderstorms still scare me,

so uncontrollable and startling. I like to lock me door against the rain and keep my light turned on, remembering all those times I silently held on to my mom, her warm arms shielding me from the danger so recently discovered in the word "alone".

I am still just one little girl
wishing she could run in to someone's arms for refuge from the storm.
It's raging just inside my walls,
beating against my heart and raining woes, searching for a warmth to call my own.

So arms are discovered,
found infinitely large and never abandoning, inviting me in to stay and share a dream with Him,
to have my heart beat
beat with Him.

I'm watching the fear of "alone" disappear.