Now.

There’s this worry inside of me. It grabs a hold of all that beauty I could be enjoying and turns it into something twisted and ugly. I can’t taste all that’s lovely because I’m too busy worrying about how long it will last. I’m too busy grasping at thoughts of yesterday that should mean nothing. They shouldn't be.

I hold on dearly to that which should not be held onto. I can’t forget those past mistakes and learn to see the future here in front of me.

But I have to forget this.

So I will untie those chains around my heart, holding me back from everything You have in store. I will stop running away, and instead run towards that frightening future that I can’t quite see. But You can see and You will guide me. I’ll hold Your hand and joyfully look into me, where You reside. I’ll look through Your eyes and love with Your heart and speak with Your words.

I’ll grasp all that beauty. I’ll taste all that’s lovely.

I’ll trust God to provide all I need.

Just a brief remembering..

of that day so filled with hope it overflowed,

and showed

in the shaking of my voice and hands.

I shared my nervous heart with best friends,

begging to be comforted by cliche’s.

You held my heart for a while, and told me to wish for you.

I did,

then scarcely breathed a word

in the chance it might come true.

It didn’t.

Cutting Ties

I feel like I’m forgetting the romance; the singular beauty of some things.

Like the way light falls or the feeling of a warm breeze.

I sit,

staring in to my self,

blind to the loveliness still living around me.

I need to break those ropes made of sullen thoughts

that I've found wrapped around my beating heart,

and let it laugh and play, so free.

A Lament Psalm: Of Kara

Oh Father, give me your strength.

Lord, answer me,

for I come up against troubles that I can’t perceive,

and enemies I don’t understand.

You know me, Oh Lover of My Soul.

For you are El Roi: The God Who Sees.

You know my heart,

and the yearning I feel every moment of every day.

I yearn for that which I can’t explain.

I desire fulfillment

though I don’t know how, or why.

I find within myself questions I can’t describe,

questions surrounded by worries and fears.

I am constantly searching for answers.

But how do I fight against the unnamed?

And how can I find what I do not know?

Dear Lord, it is so beautiful to know you;

to know that you see the deep recesses of my soul.

I run to you, for I find true life

in your unending love.

You’re my only hope.

My God is the true source of peace and joy.

All confusion and fear flees at the sound of his name.

I find my heart full in His presence.

I rest in Him,

and my questions are quieted.

You know me, Oh Lover of my Soul.

For you are El Roi: The God Who Sees.

Togetherness.

I want eyes and hands and legs and lips all tangled up and close to me. I want open hearts and open arms and nakedness. I want the unreachable togetherness that’s never been mine.

I want an us to hold onto tightly.

And I want love, but I’m not ready. And I know it.

I see myself for all I am: one scared and stuttering, searching girl. I’m begging for someone to see me too, yet I hide myself instead of reaching out. I’m both here and there. Prepared and unprepared. Oh, I am fake and full of lies. I look but don’t open my eyes to see.

Yet You hold me while no one holds me.

Dear Tomorrow,

Recently I've forgotten about you.

Or maybe I've forgotten about the part of me that you always held on to. You never let go, and you hurt my soul with hopes. You tore my heart to pieces.

Now I feel free to look up and hope again, with a different kind of hope. The kind that soothes; that smiles at me in dreams.

You walk into my thoughts in your gentle way and I am reminded of the future I'll live with you. Remembering all those times that we'll hold each other close.

But you won't make me whole. I have realized you can't. Not really. Because that's a some thing you can't be. And I will only be hurting us if I constantly believe you'll fulfill me.

That's what's made me free: that realizing.

Now I know only God can make me whole.

And so I can hope that hope again. For I'll be living with you in all of Love's beauty.

Living, and showing others what true love can be.

Unshakable

I like to sort through my thoughts late at night. I watch them tumble out, one by one. A dream here, a worry there, a memory, a secret fear.

I sort through each and every one, inspecting all the dusty corners, glowing with pride or running in horror. So intricate, I pick them up and roll them over in my hands, taking notice of every fascinating detail, then setting them down again.

I ponder the whole:

A mosaic of feeling. Seeming out of control; unbelievable and unpredictable.

Yet one great thought remains predominant. One single knowing so firm and strong it stands at the center of every thought; and that is God. Because of His unwavering grace I know Christ’s love. He’s unshakable.

The Lonely Fear (It Disappears)

Thunderstorms still scare me,

so uncontrollable and startling. I like to lock me door against the rain and keep my light turned on, remembering all those times I silently held on to my mom, her warm arms shielding me from the danger so recently discovered in the word "alone".

I am still just one little girl
wishing she could run in to someone's arms for refuge from the storm.
It's raging just inside my walls,
beating against my heart and raining woes, searching for a warmth to call my own.

So arms are discovered,
found infinitely large and never abandoning, inviting me in to stay and share a dream with Him,
to have my heart beat
beat with Him.

I'm watching the fear of "alone" disappear.

Of Dreams

“Dreaming is just a waste of time”, I tell myself the same thing over and over. Yet, here I am, dreaming again. So full of thoughts that I can’t comprehend where sense begins and fantasy ends.

I have so many dreams: of life and death and joy and sadness and love and loss and all that’s in between such things. And I crave beauty in every moment of every dream. Wanting to stay in that sweet reverie. Wanting the beautiful to stay most of all.

I desperately hold onto, want, that reality..

Open my Eyes

I need silence. To get away from my heart's calling and all of the longing deep inside of me.
Let me be mercifully distracted by your love,
live to lift you up and praise your Holy name.
Instead of all this yearning give me peace.
Help me accept that you've given me all that I could ever want, or need, or dream.

And make my eyes shine with love,
as yours do.
Staring straight in to my soul you hold me close without even holding me. And the wold must know.
Because this vast, and broken, beating heart that you created is searching.
Searching for something to fill it's desire and complete and utter
peace
is what you have to offer.

Walking each day let me love your way, so completely unhindered and never receding or leaving alone, until I understand that you'll chase me until I run home, to you.
Reveal to me your truth Lord. Open my eyes to your bigger picture:
The world's fragmented stories all coming together to create a beauty that can't be contained.

So then, free, we'll all see the glorious grace that you hold out for us to discover, each day.

The Dance of Spring

Spring comes in with
shades of gray,
and dreary,
dismal,
cries all day:
With fierce, and blustery,
sobbing breaths.

As if she's mourning
Winter's death.

And dancing between the snow
and the rain.
She's at once
in one's arms,
then the others' again.

Rest In Peace.

Moon rise, under clouds of worry,

with turmoil twinkling overhead.
the nighttime brings a
discontent.
A dark so deep
it fills my head.

Every twilight carries a brand new fear.
As the sun sets, my heart
ties up in knots.
Wondering if any ever thought
it dear,
then wondering at such dismal thoughts!

Oh where is the morning that I so love?
To banish this
mourning
that I so dread.
Every night it afflicts me,
until I sleep.
I pray for the rest wished upon
the dead.

A Song of Self Inflicted Woe.

I always feel the outsider. The forgotten one among such stars. I can never seem to shine as brightly,

abide in acceptance,

as they are.

My pondering heart oft wonders if it’s only self-inflicted woe, this misery and loneliness escapable,

if truly so.

Perhaps, if studied deeper I could find a sanguine smile somewhere, and then quit reaching for the stars,

in finding I was always there.

Lately I haven't had words to say.
My heart just beats very silently.
I live each day in a silent joy,
just a quiet heart in a quiet me.

Though that doesn't mean I don't care,
or feel.
There is so much love inside this chest;
and I'd happily share it all with you..
If a person ever thought to ask.

I Seem Alone.

To have my love,
oh what is that,
if you can never love me back?
But love alone I always do,
so silently I feel for you.

Will anguish settle in my heart?
The deepest corners?
The secret parts?
And always hiding,
I'll feel silence,
the quiet shared by waiting hearts.

It's all a secret.

It seems I always feel this way,
such yearning lingers in the air,
and yet, as I sit loudly laughing,
one won't see the quiet here.

It's sitting in that corner, silent, slightly hidden from your view.
Because I've learned to laugh is better than really trying to share with you,
for sharing's not the thing to do.

So I smile in this moment,
and bright it truly is for me,
except for all that hidden quiet that calls for me to set it free.
It's all I dream for,
secretly.

Oh won't you please be quiet with me?

Short of Breath

Once, when I was truly myself,
a smile lived upon my mouth.
Lingering for such brief moments in my eyes,
and on my lips. I felt a truth
living close to my heart. A near neighbor to the now.
Like a soft breeze dancing through my soul,
refreshing only for a breath,
the full and glorious hope of I was beautiful.
Oh mourn the death.

The folly of this clear facade is seen and scoffed by only me.
The secret, quiet, hopes I dream are covered by fear of
disappointing.
So hindered and held back by visions abounding with terror that all alone I'll be
unloved,
uncherished,
and unseen.

So I breathe this one sweet breath,
so beautiful,
then embrace death.