I know

I keep searching for some small hope to hold onto.
Any sign that you might think of me,
that you might want me too.
I keep looking after you and
grasping,
grasping as wisps of nothing that I've imagined you feel for me.
Pretending that you spoke to me.
Pretending that you care for me.
Pretending you might actually
accept my heart that's crying
out to yours.
But you are silent. Oh, you are quiet,
and this nothing says
everything
I don't want to know.

That I'm foolishly hoping and so never moving.
I'm always loving alone.

To the tips of my very soul.

I feel that every day I find a little bit more of myself. Of who I am, of who I’m not,
of who I don’t want,
and yet tend,
to be.
I make mistakes, and cry, and rage, and then let You pick me up again. And again. And again.

And again.

And I’m okay with that. Because I think that, ever so slowly, I am learning to give it all to You.

I run to You faster and faster.

I may not be learning quickly, but I’m so glad that I’m learning.

Learning through You and through others too. Through the friends and the strangers that You so bless me with. One word and I’m changed, rearranged, never the same. Forever forgetting what I once thought was true. All because of who You are and what You do.

And I’m so thankful that You give me every day to breathe, and move, and dance, and laugh, and make mistakes, and try to fix them, and open my eyes to the fact that I can’t, and move on, and get a second chance.

So undeserved,

but given nonetheless.

This life would be nothing, is nothing, with out God’s grace and with out His love. There’s no reason for breathing with out Him.

I’m trying to let Him fill me up to the tips of my soul and overflowing.

For me.

Have you ever just shared your feelings with someone?

Straight up told them “this is it!”.

I never did, well, not till now. Not till you.

Not till this courage seeped through my veins and called out for me to yell…

though waiting for you was pure torture.

I hung onto every word you said so tightly, because that was all I had left of some distant, tattered, memory that I created for us.

For me.

And this was all for me, but then for you, and everything I pretended that we could be, once upon a time, when you said you cared for me... did you ever really care for me?

But don’t answer that, please.

I only wanted to take your worry: steal it away and let you sleep. Peacefully dream, so when you'd “g2g to bed” and rest, I'd know that you’re life would be okay.

I wouldn’t add to it my heavy heart, wouldn’t hand you a trouble that you don’t need.

Just another one to think about...

Now add to your pile of my apologies.

The Truest Sorrow

You're just about the worst person I know. In all you’re silence and mystery.

But not nearly as worse as I.

Because I ask and ask and fall into these traps and catch myself in the despicable act. Hating that I want to cry.

I'm choosing to dig myself into despair. Choosing to believe that you might still care,

but you don't,

and you won't.

Not ever again. And I can't get over that. No,

I hoped too much to let you slip away like that.

Or I hoped too much for me.

You were simply some happiness for my lonely

heart. Left unfulfilled and in self inflicted

agony.

And I walk away from Him too much.

The one who could truly bring me Joy.

Ignoring His call I stumble on.

And that is the Truest Sorrow

Believing my heart broken I call out to He who formed it.

It seems we are all just wandering souls, holding our broken parts, pretending that they're whole.
Only delicate shells.
Showing a mask of a smile instead of the pain living just beyond our empty eyes.
Holding back tears and ignoring the pain we wander on, playing our part in this masquerade.

Lord, tear away this veil and let me cry.
I want to be free and full of joy.

One Dream

I dreamed we were one, instead of two parts. Only one soul and only one mind.
With two eyes to look out onto the world, and a constant stream of thoughts to share.
Together we held no secrets, but all was know and all was loved.
The good the bad and the in-between.

We were whole, and this was all we needed.

Overcast.

Where is the beauty? All hidden inside by a fright filled smile, with eyes that lied of a brighter tomorrow, and a light filled today.
A future of sun,
but with thoughts in the way.

Looking for my Twilight.

I saw you today, in the shadow of some other man.
He held your essence as he walked by,
smoking his last cigarette.
He walked with your body and then he was gone,
taking with him your dream. I held so tight,
too tightly in the dream that I dreamed in the light.

But there is no day,
now there's only night.
Only darkness that tears.
Not even Twilight.

Nor even an echo of your whispered words,
spoken in silence, so never heard
except by my heart.
Translating the lies that you fed me to hopes,
and dreams,
and lullabies,
that rocked me to sleep.

To be with you so I could be.

But there is no day.
I am left in this night.
No escape from this darkness,
not even Twilight.

A million tears may make an ocean.

I want to love as an ocean. Deep and overwhelming, frightful in all it’s beautiful raging,

Out of control and breathtaking.

I want to soar with this love to new places. On adventures ever so exciting. Flying towards some end unknown and yet daring to go. I only want to hold with all that I am and allow myself to be carried away by the wind and the water and some hope in the air. I want to feel my love’s breathe on my body and know that I am safe in that moment.

A moment that lasts forever.

I want to love with out one care.

To love with abandon and let my life be pushed by this. To forget the woes of yesterday and embrace all that I hold in today. Finding my way to a new life, guided by my heart and all the feeling that I hold inside.

Let me love as an ocean.

About life.

Why is it so easy to forget all of this?
All of this amazing, impossible love?
All of this grace?

I feel as if I live in a world that is truly fake.
Blinding me,
tying me,
pulling heavy darkness in front of my eyes.
As if this love wasn't important enough.

As if it wasn't breathing life into my soul's very essence.

There is nothing so life changing,
life overtaking,
than the moment of meeting one's Saviour.
My Truest Love.
The Only One.
The reason my heart is now beating.

More than enough.

Of a memory

Sometimes I feel as if I could lose myself in remembering.

I forget to live for all the recalling.

Even all of the present pondering.

There is a silent conversation within myself,

Continuing quietly,

Forever silent.

Neverending.

I live not in this now, but in the next

Or quite usually,

The last.

Holding on to a fleeting love.

A moment that so passed like the one before,

And the one before,

And the one before that.

Because my human heart seems to be made of glass.

Translucent, and delicate, and

ever so breakable.

And my mind holds on as if it can never let go.

The picture of perfect rejection.

Immortal.

Holding hidden quiet secrets I am bursting from within.

Devastatingly lost: you were.
You seemed, and seem
to me.
I still find my heart holding your secrets.
A heart overflowing with exquisite worry.

These painful to remember dreams.

Ask me to hold your thoughts for you,
my heart screams quiet within me.
I'll see your smile in all that I do.
I searched,
am searching,
to find your truth.

Pretty,
you'd see me holding your secrets.
I'd close my mouth against yours
so lovely,
and keep your secrets,
never rid of.
If broken,
and breaking,
you hadn't left me.

See it everywhere.

I see beauty all around me.
Laughing and smiling
and simple.
Pure joy. Pure truth.
Standing unabashed and ever natural.

I always prayed to be beautiful.
Craved it,
chased it,
begged it to stay.
I didn't even know it was with me all along.
In the moments and persons I least expected it from.
Because
beauty exists in The Most Unusual Places

The Most Obscure Pieces.

In the corners of eyes and deep laugh lines
and in all smiles.

It is waiting for your existence to allow it's inevitable life.

The pen hits the page.

I am one hundred thousand streams.
Of thoughts,
Of tears,
Of smiles,
Of feelings.
And so the rivers flow and flood this page, soaked with my silent thoughts and
ponderings.

Held quietly inside they were dangerously undescribed,
but
rid of all imaginings I'm free to finally fly.
So I let my own words open my heart
and watch as all my thoughts pour forth.
And I am left drenched in uncertainty,
wondering if you heard me like I wished you'd heard me.
Seeing you breathe it all in slowly, tasting each syllable on your
tongue.

Now I am found the vulnerable one.

Watch me.